Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Top 10 most ridiculous things I've said to my children

Before having children, I admit I was very judgemental of other people's parenting, especially in public places.  Now I see a mom about to lose her cool, and I silently wish her a better day tomorrow and a cold margarita.  As parents, we instinctively try to always do and say the right thing.  But certain circumstances that my boys put me in make this impossible. I find myself saying ridiculous things  to Alpha Gamma McVey on an almost daily basis, things I can't believe actually NEED to be said.   Things I am so embarrassed to say, especially in public, but are absolutely necessary.   My top 10 favorites:

1.  Please don't pee in the trash can when it's sitting right next to the toilet  (most recently to Good Time Charlie at a highway rest stop).

2.  Please don't submerge the neighbors mail that you stole into the puddle to make paper pulp.  Despite what you think, it does not make a good habitat for your roly poly (very sorry Gigi and John), plus it's a federal offense. 

3.  No, you may not ask the lady with 6 kids across the street if she'd like to play with you. I'm pretty sure her answer will be "NO".

4. Captain Competitive,  please do not dismantle the moon jump blower and use it  to project my Xmas ornaments across the room (subject for a later blog, please stay tuned!)

5.  No, Sir WhineAlot,  you may not have any matches to make a "campfire" with the little girl across the street. 

6. Good Time Charlie,  please do not pull your pants down here at Jersey Mike's  or anywhere, no one else thinks you are funny (except your two crazy brothers).

7.  Please do not turn on the neighbor's hose to flood their lawn, spray their windows, or play firefighter.  Daddy will not be happy when he has to pay their water bill.

8.  No, you may not sell beer to the neighbors for dollars.  It's illegal and makes mommy look bad. 

9.  Please stop telling and showing your friends that we have "real guns" in storage..... we have your daddy's old BB gun from when he was 12, without the bee bee's.    Other mommies do not like to hear this. 

10.  Please do not put your private parts in front of anything electrical or battery operated.... this could end very very badly.

You may be horrified, but hopefully you are laughing.  But I've honestly said each and everyone of these things. I even have adult witnesses.   Thank Goodness I have amazing, forgiving neighbors who actually like my boys, even when their lawn is flooded and their American Express bill is floating in the puddle with the roly polys.


  1. Hilarious, Steph! Number 10 had me laughing so hard that I spit coffee out of my mouth! Keep writing!

  2. LOVE IT STeph!!! I miss your humor...keep writing Great job!

  3. As a mom of four boys, I think I've said variations of all these things at one point or another. Moms of boys need to have a high tolerance for public humiliation!